Assertive Responses

Human beings are for the most part social animals who are in continuous interaction with each other. The adequacy of our social skills (i.e. how successful we are in our interactions with other people) reflects in all the dimensions of our personhood (social dimension, psychological dimension, biological dimension and spiritual dimension). Social skills include listening skills, empathy, communication skills, emotional intelligence and assertiveness skills – the focus of the workshop.

Your ability to assert yourself influences all the dimensions of your being. For example, people who experience difficulty in asserting themselves often bottle up their feelings and emotions which may lead to elevated blood pressure (biological). High blood pressure may in turn result in strokes and heart disease. It is also possible that failure to assert the self may give rise to feelings of inferiority that in turn results in depression and anxiety (psychological).

The ability to assert the self is also important in the workplace (social). For instance, people who experience feelings of inferiority together with an inability to self-assert may find themselves over-looked for promotion and as a consequence experience reduced levels of job satisfaction. When people are not happy with their work, their productivity invariably suffers giving rise to increased levels of staff turnover.

The spiritual dimension includes important questions such as: “What is the meaning of life?” or “What are my life goals?” People who cannot assert themselves often shy away from these questions and in the process fail to experience self-actualization.

Assertive behaviour is interactional because it implies an interaction between two or more persons involving:

• Requests (asking for those things that you want)
• Refusals (refusing what you do not want)
• Expression of feelings (communicating positive and negative messages to others)
• Many people are confused by the concepts of assertive and aggressive behaviour.

Assertiveness does not mean:

• Always having your way
• Winning every time
• Learning a few psychological tricks by heart and applying them in all situations
• Manipulating other people so that you always have your way

Before learning how to develop your assertiveness, it is important to take a few moments to get some idea of where you are right now. Click here to view, download and print the assertiveness quiz.

Aggression And Passivity

Aggressive behaviour is offensive behaviour in which the person violates the rights of others in an attempt to obtain what he wants or avoid what he does not want.

The person with an aggressive behavioural style:

• Comes across as superior
• Creates a distance from other people
• Expresses his thoughts, feelings and needs at the expense of other people.

Aggressive behaviour is evidenced in displays such as:

• Pointing fingers
• No eye contacts
• Swinging the arms about

Aggressive behaviour often results from feelings of inferiority. The rule: “To attack is better than to defend” applies here. Often his experience with other people has been so painful in the past that he is offensive or aggressive from the start to protect himself.

Passive behaviour is avoidance behaviour. The person does not exercise his right or does so poorly.

The non-assertive or passive person:

• Comes across as apologetic and hesitant
• Mumbles when speaking
• Experiences anxiety
• Is often too afraid to say what he feels or thinks
• Fears that he will be labelled as aggressive or that people will dislike him if he is honest
• Tries to please everybody so that people will like him

The passive person:

• Is pushed around
• Is taken advantage of
• Do things against his will

The passive person believes that he is unimportant and that his own wishes, needs and opinions are irrelevant.

Communication Styles

Click here to view a video that explains assertiveness - what is passive, aggressive and assertive behaviour.

Emotional Control

Customers with problems tend to take their frustrations out on the person at the other end of the phone (you). This is particularly the case in service situations. However, even a mild-mannered customer ringing up to request a telephone number might become frustrated at the length of time they have waited in the queue and thus appear angry when they eventually get through.

So, the operator must know how to deal with angry or frustrated customers without getting into an argument or allowing them to moan and complain endlessly, wasting time. Once the customer has let off steam the problem of the enquiry can be dealt with effectively.

This involves sympathising with the customer, without being too timid or becoming patronising. It means acknowledging the customer’s feelings, letting the customer know you understand the problem and re-assuring them.

Once the operator can demonstrate this they will be able to proceed with the call.