Seek First to Understand, Then To Be Understood

In his book “The seven habits of highly effective people”, Stephen Covey describes the principles of empathic communication. It focuses on what he calls the single most important principle in the field of interpersonal relations: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. In order to effectively interact with other people, it is critical to first understand them. Covey remarks that unless you make the effort to understand another person’s unique situation and feelings, you won’t know how to advise or counsel him, let alone earn the person’s trust and the ability to influence him.

In order to really connect to the frames of reference of people you deal with daily in the workplace (like superiors, peers, staff, team members, customers), Covey’s principles of empathic communication provide valuable insights:

Empathic Listening

Most people, typically, seek first to be understood and do not listen with the intent to understand, they rather listen with the intent to reply. They are either speaking or preparing to speak. They are filtering everything through their own paradigms, reading their “autobiography” into other people’s lives. Covey mentions that when another person speaks, we are usually “listening” at one of four levels.

We may be ignoring the person, not really listening at all. Or, we may practice pretending to listen, but not really listening. We may practice selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the conversation. Or, we may even practice attentive listening, paying attention and focusing energy on the words that are being said. But, very few of us ever practice the fifth level, the highest form of listening, empathic listening.

According to Covey, empathic listening refers to listening with:

• the intent to really understand,
• to get inside another person’s frame of reference,
• to see the world he sees,
• to sense his paradigm and feelings.

In seeking to understand, you will discover tremendous differences in perception as you learn to listen deeply to other people. You will also begin to appreciate the impact that these differences can have as people try to work together in interdependent situations.

Only when a person’s need to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated and appreciated have been met, will he/she be open for influencing or problem solving.

A leader will not be able to influence and inspire is he/she does not seek to understand – relating to the frame of reference and need of the respondent/audience.

Four Autobiographical Responses

Because we listen autobiographically, we tend to respond in one of four ways: we evaluate – we either agree or disagree; we probe – we ask questions from our own frame of reference; we advise – we give counsel based on our own experience; or we interpret – we try to figure people out, to explain their motives and behaviour based on our own motives and behaviour. Covey believes that none of these responses will enable you to truly understand someone.

Empathic listening skills and responding by rephrasing content and reflecting feeling will open up people. Your desire to really understand, however, must be sincere.

Reflection:

Reflecting entails a reasonably accurate rephrasing of the other person’s emotional attitude. Here it is not necessary to state your observation explicitly, but your statement should none the less be based on something the person said or indicated.

Do not use reflection to judge. Reflection will enable you to test for underlying feelings.

Typical reflection will start with:

“It seems to me…”

Asking open ended questions:

The best way to double-check your understanding of what a source has said is to ask questions in order to clarify and amplify. Ask the person to repeat or rephrase his remarks.

Ask for additional information to amplify a point. Keep your questions polite and to the point.

Open-ended questions assist in further exploration of what was said. It will help you to gain a better understanding of the situation.

Open-ended questions typically will start with:

How…

What…

Tell me about…

Please explain…

Paraphrasing:

A technique to help you to check if you understood what was said. If you want to check if you understood clearly, you can shortly summarise what you heard and then as “Is that what you have meant?”

Paraphrasing will typically start with:

“What I hear you saying is...”