Prepare to Have Courageous Conversations

Lecturer Broadcast: Click here to view an explanation about how to prepare for the courageous conversation.

Deal with your Fears

Fear is one of the main reasons that stop you from having a courageous conversation. Fear has many disguises. One way through which you can recognise fear is to identify excuses like “the situation is not that bad” or “maybe the problem is not worth mentioning”. These thoughts are dangerous because here fear tries to keep you from being courageous.

Self-limiting beliefs fuel fear and it is important that you get clear as to what these specific self-limiting beliefs are. Maybe you fear rejection, maybe you fear that you could make it worse, or maybe you feel vulnerable. The list of excuses goes on and on.

There are two questions you ask yourself when I’m dealing with fear:

• What are the consequences if I do nothing?
• Am I willing to accept these consequences?

To be honest, there have been a couple of times when you have said “Yes I am ok with the consequences of not having the conversation.” The outcome was that the relationship did not improve and that the nagging feeling of resentment grew. The outcomes from not having courage’s conversations never served me well.

Deal with your EGO

Sort out your ego. It can get in the way of being objective and achieving a solution targeting the good of a relationship, not you, the individual. In a courageous conversation you express your feelings and are true to yourself. If your ego is controlling your heart and if you are protecting your ego you will focus on being right instead of being true. Your conversation will be about your frustration or anger towards the other person. If the conversation is about you and your sense of entitlement, then the conversation will not end well. If you are focused on pleasing your ego it will go downhill. The other person will feel attacked and will fight back. There will be no resolution.

Once you get your ego sorted and you are authentic about sharing your thoughts and feelings, you will be more open to listening to the other person’s side of the story. Remember that a courageous conversation aims to seek resolution for the benefit of the relationship rather than the individual. When you speak true to yourself, the message will be received and felt by the other person.

“The single most important thing you can do is to shift your internal stance from 'I understand' to 'Help me understand.' Everything else follows from that."  Douglas Stone

Know WHY you want to have a Courageous Conversation

Before you start a courageous conversation be very clear as to WHY you are having it. What is the purpose and what do you hope to achieve? Once you have sorted out the WHY you will be able to decide what the risks of having the conversation are. If you decide to have the conversation, you need to clear up the following 3 things:

1. What you are trying to ACHIEVE.
2. What you are LISTENING for.
3. What gives you the RIGHT to initiate the conversation.

Be Prepared to Experience Discomfort

In a courageous conversation, you must be prepared to discuss the undiscussable – the issues that you don’t want to deal with, but that you know you must face. Also, the other person may not like what you are saying and may not want to hear it at all. After having sorted out the reason why you are having the conversation, you must think about how you should set up the meeting. The first step to minimising the feeling of discomfort is to GET AGREEMENT from the other person on having the conversation.

Once you have agreement, begin the conservation by telling your side of the story which includes the following 3 points:

1. WHY you want to have the conversation.
2. WHAT the issue is that you want to discuss.
3. HOW this issue is affecting you.

In telling your story, you are opening the opportunity for a dialogue and you invite the other person to join in. If the response is favourable, the next step for the two of you is to start exploring each other’s stories and to work out how to move forward.

Be Real about Your Expectations

We can prepare and plan for a courageous conversation. However, we cannot control what the outcome will be. We are only in control of ourselves. Most people are more comfortable with keeping old problems unresolved rather than working on a solution, so you may not be able to find a common ground. Be prepared for that. If the potential solution requires the other person to make some significant changes then they may need time to reflect about the conversation. So, don’t expect that by having a courageous conversation you will get immediate results. Be realistic about your expectations.

Set the Emotional Tone for the Conversation

The more sensitive the issue is, the more likely it is that your emotions are raw and exposed. If the issue is emotional for you, then you need to make sure that you are calm enough to be clear about what you want to say.

In this situation, it is a good idea to write out what you want to say and practice with a friend or supporter. Getting your emotions under control enables you to listen objectively to the other person and to respond calmly. With preparation and practice you are less likely to allow your emotions to take over. If you do get upset and find it difficult to continue, then you must suggest that you both take a break. Get commitment to reschedule the meeting for another time.

“The big three blind spots are: tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. The listener is very aware of these, the talker is not.” Douglas Stone